TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from position. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have One more put exactly where American Gentlemen can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Anyone a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A Trump Tower Damascus VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he ought to halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not merely ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Attributes


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting focus from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will even involve:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort where my PTSD can have convert-down assistance."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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